I’m that person that wonders how a show still comes on on TV all because I don’t watch it.
Today is my 21st birthday! I wish I could be more excited but I’m not really a drinker so that’s not a good enough reason for me to bounce off the walls with happiness lol. But I do thank god for blessing me with another year of life and for giving me the best family, friends, and boyfriend I could ask for.
Why do I try to ignore everything and pretend I’m okay when I’m not?
I need to stop doing that and take my own feelings into consideration.
I really broke down in the middle of class today.
This is my life.
Well duh. Of course I can’t sleep. But the real question right now is …. how am I feeling? Well…I’m not really sure there is an answer to that right now. So i’m gonna write because I always feel a lot better when I write.
I actually just feel exactly what I thought I’d feel. Numb. Chest heavy. Hurt? Well..yeah that too. A somewhat bit confused…but..I think i’ll be okay. New feelings are just hard to adjust to.
I think on it now and I’m not really sure if it was real or not..but I look at my phone and I’m just like “Well yeah, obviously.” Everything is gone. Not for personal reasons…nothing against you..but I just work better that way. Better to clear out everything while it’s in the moment than to be a masochist and keep them and hold on to what’s not even mine anymore…Still won’t clear mental memories though.
I got asked what would I do if and when it ever happened, and I said exactly what I’m feeling now…I don’t know. I think it’s more of a mental shock. And i’d like to think that I’d handle it well…I mean guess we’ll just see. I’m not gonna sit here and weigh the pros and cons of what happened because there aren’t any pros. I just gave a lot of myself for the other’s happiness…or at least I tried to..? I don’t really know how to look at it. I think it’s petty to point fingers. If you couldn’t deal then I’m definitely not one to make anyone stay. It’s what I always felt like saying at times but I was a bit too scared to say it because I know you probably would have agreed and at the time I wasn’t ready to actually deal with that kind of reality.
I’m actually taking this a lot better than I thought…I thought I might be a wreck. Eh, it may hit me later. That empty shell feeling is there though. I’m sure that’s pretty common. I mean..I did give half a year unexpectedly.
I didn’t think it would have been exactly like that…but i’d be naive to think I couldn’t feel it happening. There was just way too much going on that if I had to choose specifically I was betting it probably would’ve been a year(?) give or take a month or two if it happened. That was way rough on the both of us that it was just a strain. I felt that shit everyday to the point where I was just like..”Is today going to be the day? Oh. no? Well. That’s great then.”
I’d like to be civil about it because shit talking is just as childish as running to my friends with the “he said, she said” bullshit. I’m too old for that. My issues are my issues. I’m not going to run and tell the world what happened because it’s really none of anybody’s business. It’s between us two and that’s how I’d like it to stay. There’s absolutely gonna be no “Fuck it, I can do this, this. this, and..now” Because I damn sure wasn’t doing any of that before, so why would I go and start now? I’ll continue to be the same little homebody I was and just work around everything I used to. I’m not turning to alcohol to “deal with my pain”, going to go out and party because…why? And there’s definitely no “On to the next” …I didn’t have time for it before, won’t have time for it now. I promised myself that if it didn’t work out then I’m going back to what I put on hold for so long. Focusing on school and working on myself in every way possible.
I can say that it was nice. Great. Amazing.Totally out of my comfort zone. What I really had wished was that it ended because of something that really had to deal with just..us..and not an outside force. But i’m not gonna dwell on it. The feelings I feel/felt I could feel angry about but what’s the point really?
I feel like i’m coming off more nonchalant than caring, but I’m really telling myself that I’ll be okay. Maybe not the same but I’m a big girl, I know i’ll be alright. I just got to keep telling myself until I believe it. It’ll work out, Mechelle.
..maybe now this means I can put even more trust in my faith. Philippians 4:13 couldn’t mean anymore to me now than it did before.
I’ll keep my head up. No worries on that part. But I will always worry about you. Regardless of whatever. More than anything I hope you finish school…and I hope life from here on out treats you well. Wish I could be there to find out.
But what I can say is now it’s a lot easier to breathe now that I just got all of that out of my system ,I’ll just see what another day brings forth.
How my little cousin watches the movie “Brave”. Every. Single. Time.
And yes. She is wearing a Merida wig.
I don’t know why I choose to put up with your friendship sometimes. I know we’ve gotten to be pretty important people in each other’s lives these past 4 years but..when you get mad and decide to take your anger out on myself and people around you who just want to help, you’re a total douchebag. It’s totally okay for you to get into your feelings and be rude. But when anybody else does it to you, you get pissed off. Like..tf is your problem? We may be friends but I’m not your emotional punching bag. I don’t and I won’t stand for any of that emotional retardation you’re currently suffering from.
Learn the golden rule, dude. “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”
I feel that one day my thoughts will consume me and I’ll turn into a not so nice person.
My boyfriend, Michael, is the biggest loser I’ve ever met.
..he’s my loser, but a loser nonetheless.
"Until there is a ring on your finger, you never give 100% of yourself to anyone."- Nia
I think a lot but I don’t say much. It’s better that way..especially since most people don’t care to ask nowadays.
Keeping my thoughts in is what I’ve learned to do best…why choose to let it out now? I won’t burden you with questions you can’t give me answers to.
Late post because I was at work all day..but it doesn’t make the message less sentimental.
Let me tell you about this woman right here! My beautiful mother is my entire world. Though we may fuss and fight all the time, at the end of the day she’s the most important person in my life. Thank you for bringing me into the world and putting up with me everytime I made one of your hairs turn gray! I love you, Mommy!
I honestly don’t know what to think anymore..
I think I’ve been stretching myself out too much lately. There’s so much that’s needed of me to get done and I’m nowhere even close to knowing where to start. School. Work. Trying to keep up with my social life. How can I satisfy all without dropping another?
I don’t know. Lately I think I’ve been way over my head trying to balance things out..but whenever I try, I end up forgetting something that needed my attention the most. Every time I try to put a positive step in the right direction it’s like I end up falling back into my old habits. Fucking lackadaisical attitudes towards life and school is ruining everything I’ve tried so hard to build. It’s not like I’m failing..but I know I can do better…but I just can’t. Like it’s some sort of…mental block? Or maybe I’ve just got too much on my plate that I can can’t handle….I thought taking a break from reality to relax would help but I think that just made things worse…
Where’s my motivation to accomplish all the things I once desired? How can I actually live my life the right way when I’m not doing the things that I love?